Chapter 2 of Holding On While Letting Go Book
Allen walked into my office and plopped down in my big blue chair. His clothes are disheveled, his large ComiCon backpack hits the floor as he sits, his hands fastened tight under his armpits, eyes dropped low sheepishly noticing my reactions to this display. Our eyes met briefly, and he quickly dropped his eyes to a spot on the floor. His 6-foot-tall body slumps in the chair as his chin hits his chest, he lets out a big sigh. There were several minutes of deafening silence, where I allowed him to just be here with me. Even before we spoke his demeanor, fear of judgment, and silence shouted, “I am not ok”.
I must say, typically, Allen is fairly engaging with many adventures to share throughout his week; I always looked forward to hearing Allen’s excitement about his encounters of the week; but today something was different. I realized early in our conversations that this was Allen’s way of gaining acceptance from others, essentially hiding behind these masks.
For most of Allen’s life, he lived with his mom. His father left the home at the age of 10 and Allen blamed himself for his dad leaving the home. Allen remembers that night distinctly after having a hard day at school the teacher demanded a meeting with his parents. Allen often discussed how his hard days became hard nights for his parents. Allen would praise his mom for being strong, protective, and kind.
Allen’s Mom didn’t miss a beat. She was a woman of faith and drugged Allen to church as a kid. When the church became difficult for Allen to sit and focus, they stopped joining. Allen remembers enjoying the snacks and playing with other kids but becoming agitated with noise and too many people quickly.
Mom directed his every step even down to the clothes he would choose to wear, and he was then 32 years old. Allen suffered severe mood dysregulation from the slightest irritant; as a kid, he had trouble making and keeping friends, school kids were cruel with name-calling, and he failed to manage school responsibilities. As a result of several years of bullying, he was taken from school and homeschooled. Allen’s disabilities and mental challenges only progressed as mom worked to care for the family.
This is where Allen learned to isolate and embody these big emotions, when things felt complicated or too much, he would be angry, belligerent, and fight for space. This only resulted in mom and others coming closer. For Allen, Mom was his safety the secure stable place in his life. Since mom’s death, two years ago Allen’s grief became internal suffering he felt he needed to stuff it.
Honestly, he has survived the best he knew how. With tears streaming down his face, Allen says calmly “I just feel lost”. Today was the two-year anniversary of the death of his mom, and today he stated, “I feel lost”. Allen goes on, “I felt ok over the last week, and three days ago I woke up and didn’t get out the bed all day. I haven’t eaten, I only sleep and cry. My roommates said I should come to therapy today. So here I am”.
Over the last two years, Allen's entire life has changed he moved to a new group home, established a job working at a local Goodwill taking donations in less than 12 hours a week, was able to be established with caregivers, and financial systems to manage monthly responsibilities and was forced to move on in his life without the care of his most valuable person, his mom. Things moved so fast that he was forced to find strength in his vulnerability. Needless to say, this was an extremely difficult time in Allen’s life.
Allen has tried his hand at intimate relationships, but they never seemed to stick. To see, Allen at his job is pleasant and desires to please, be accepted, and be liked by others. One would never know the immense pain he carries.
The story that Allen had chosen to believe is that “everyone leaves, and he is powerless to control this”. A famous quote states, “The world breaks everyone and we are stronger in those broken places”. Allen’s story is similar to many others our bodies remember even when we try our hardest to forget the pain. Everyone has a story that we believe to be true and our bodies display behaviors that support this inner conflict.
As we sat, I allowed Allen to just cry, and express all the feelings, there were no more words and when the tears were done there was a big breath. Allen looks up and says, “Thanks”. I reply, thanks for what. “He replies, I don’t know, I just feel better now.”
Identifying emotional wounds is a challenge, sometimes these wounds seep with pain and disappointment in silence, and in order to heal, they must be witnessed and embraced.
When you read this chapter choose to recognize the big emotions that come up for you and honor that this pain means something and you get to choose the meaning. Make the choice to hold on to memories that move you forward to healing. Manage and use the other emotions as stepping stones to better character.
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