It was her second semester in college, a fresh start that felt both exhilarating and terrifying. Robyn at nineteen, was finally beginning to carve out a life for herself, but the scars of her past clung to her like shadows. Robyn had spent most of her teenage years in and out of counseling, trying to piece together a life that had been shattered by years of physical and sexual abuse. Her parents lost to their drug addictions, had left Robyn and her siblings to navigate the chaotic world of foster care.
While she had hoped for a loving home, she had faced betrayal and abuse time and time again, which left her feeling broken and unworthy. It was during her first counseling session in college that Robyn met with me. “Healing begins with acknowledging the wrong, facing your truth, and choosing to forgive,” I said one day during their session. “Forgiving others, and most importantly, yourself, is crucial to moving forward.” Robyn had struggled with the concepts of acknowledging, sitting in her truth and ultimately forgiveness.
How could she forgive those who had hurt her so deeply?
How could she forgive herself for the shame she felt?
The Journey of Forgiveness
I introduced Robyn to several practical steps to guide her through the forgiveness process. She began with journaling, encouraging Robyn to write down her feelings—her anger, her pain, and her memories. Each entry became a cathartic release, a way to confront the emotions she had buried for so long.
One evening, as Robyn sat in her small room, she opened her journal and began to write: "I am angry at my parents for abandoning me. I am furious at the system that failed me. I hate the people who hurt me. But I also feel lost. I want to forgive, but I don't know how." As she poured her heart onto the pages, a sense of clarity began to emerge. She remembered a verse from the Bible that I had shared with her: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14)
This verse resonated with her, igniting a flicker of hope. Robyn realized that forgiveness was not about excusing the hurt but about releasing the hold it had on her life. She began to pray, asking God for strength to forgive. She found solace in another scripture: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) In her prayers, she felt a weight lift as she relinquished her pain to God.
Forgiving Herself
The next step was the hardest: forgiving herself. Robyn had carried guilt for years, believing that she was somehow to blame for the abuse she endured. In therapy, I guided her to reflect on this belief. We worked painstakingly through the concept of self-worth, emphasizing that she was not defined by her past.
One day, Robyn reported standing in front of the bathroom mirror, tears streaming down her cheeks the words “I forgive you, Robyn,” she whispered to her reflection. With excitement in her voice she reports “It felt monumental”. She recalled the verse: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) In that moment, she began to understand that God’s love was unconditional and that she was worthy of healing.
Learning to Live Again
As the weeks turned into months, Robyn began to embrace life again. She joined a campus support group, where she met others who had faced similar struggles. Sharing her story became a source of empowerment. She learned that vulnerability was not weakness but strength. Each session was a step toward healing, and she found comfort in knowing she was not alone.
Robyn also began to explore new hobbies—painting, hiking, and volunteering at a local shelter. With each new experience, she discovered joy in the little things. She recalled another scripture that had inspired her: “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13) This verse became her mantra as she faced challenges in her daily life.
The Power of Forgiveness
A turning point in our sessions came when Robyn received a letter from her birth mother, reaching out after years of silence. With apprehension, she retrieves the letter from her backpack. As she held the letter her heart raced, and anxiety gripped her. But she remembered her journey of forgiveness. With trembling hands, she opened the letter. As she read her mother’s words of regret and sorrow, Robyn felt a mixture of emotions—anger, sadness, but also compassion.
In that moment, she realized that forgiving her mother would be for her own healing. She decided to respond, expressing her feelings while also conveying that she was on a path of healing. She included a note about her journey, sharing the verses that had guided her. Robyn bravely embraced a new beginning. By the end of the semester, Robyn had transformed.
She learned that healing was not a linear process; it was filled with ups and downs. But through her journey, she had discovered the power of forgiveness—not just for others but for herself. Robyn kept her journal close, a testament to her journey. She often flipped through the pages, reflecting on how far she had come. She knew the road ahead would not always be easy, but she was ready to face it, armed with faith and a heart open to healing.
In her final entry of the semester, Robyn wrote: "Forgiveness has set me free. I am learning to live again, and while my past will always be a part of me, it no longer defines me. I am a survivor, and with God’s love, I will continue to thrive." Each day was a new opportunity to embrace life, and Robyn was determined to make the most of it.
I provided Robyn with a structured approach to guide her through the forgiveness process. Here are the practical steps he suggested:
# 1. Journaling - Write Down Feelings: Robyn was encouraged to keep a journal where she could freely express her thoughts and emotions. This included writing about her anger, pain, and memories related to her past experiences.
Identify Triggers: I suggested that Robyn note specific triggers that brought up feelings of resentment or anger, helping her to process and understand her emotions.
# 2. Reflecting on Forgiveness - Define Forgiveness: I asked Robyn to reflect on what forgiveness meant to her. He encouraged her to differentiate between forgiveness and condoning the actions of others, emphasizing that forgiveness was about releasing her own burden.
List Those to Forgive: Robyn was encouraged to make a list of individuals she felt she needed to forgive, including herself. This would serve as a tangible reminder of her journey.
# 3. Prayer and Meditation - Pray for Strength: I suggested consistently strengthening her faith through praying specifically for the strength to forgive, both others and herself. Specifically, praying using scripture as a foundation for her prayers, such as Matthew 6:14 and Romans 8:1.
Meditation: Robyn was encouraged to spend quiet moments in meditation, focusing on breathing and reflecting on the concept of forgiveness, allowing her heart to soften.
# 4. Engaging in Support Groups - Join a Support Group: I recommended that Robyn participate in a support group, where she could share her experiences and hear from others who had gone through similar struggles. This would foster a sense of community and understanding.
Practice Vulnerability: By sharing her story, Robyn would practice vulnerability, which is an important part of healing and forgiveness. During Session we took time to rewrite Robyn’s story from a healed perspective. This story now becomes the testimony she shares from the vulnerable place.
# 5. Setting Boundaries - Establish Healthy Boundaries: I emphasized the importance of setting boundaries with individuals who had hurt her. This was not only for her protection but also a way to assert her worth and prioritize her healing.
Communicate Needs: Robyn was encouraged to communicate her needs clearly to those around her, fostering healthier relationships moving forward.
# 6. Understanding Self-Worth - Affirmations: I suggested that Robyn create a list of affirmations about her self-worth and value. Reading these affirmations daily would help reinforce her belief in her own dignity and worthiness of love and healing.
Celebrate Small Wins: Robyn was encouraged to recognize and celebrate small victories in her healing journey, whether it was successfully expressing her feelings or taking a step toward forgiveness.
# 7. Engaging in Healthy Activities - Pursue Hobbies: Dr. Matthews advised Robyn to engage in activities that brought her joy, such as painting, hiking, or volunteering. These activities could serve as outlets for positive emotions and help reinforce her sense of identity outside of her past.
Physical Activity: Incorporating physical activities, like breathe walking or exercise, could help release pent-up emotions and improve her overall mental health.
# 8. Giving Back - Volunteer: Robyn was encouraged to find ways to give back to others, perhaps through volunteering at shelters or support organizations. Helping others could provide her with a sense of purpose and connection.
# 9. Gradual Process - Be Patient with Yourself: I reminded Robyn that forgiveness is a process that takes time. He encouraged her to be patient and compassionate with herself as she navigated her feelings and experiences.
# 10. Seek Additional Support - Therapeutic Techniques: If necessary, I suggested exploring additional therapeutic techniques, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or art therapy, ERP exposure therapy, neurofeedback, EMDR to further aid in her healing journey. Through these steps, I aimed to empower Robyn, providing her with the tools she needed to navigate her journey toward forgiveness, healing, and ultimately, a renewed sense of self.
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